I don't want to write this...

...but am afraid I will have bad dreams if I don't get it off my chest. 

It's been a long time since I've written but fortunately (for my emotional health) it's been quiet for a long time now too. Around Christmas time my mom wrote my grandpa to tell him she needed him to reimburse her for a dental surgery she had recently and that she thought she would like to go to an inpatient rehab program after the holidays. She said that after experiencing the outpatient program she was forced to do because of her probation terms she realized she needed something more involved. 

He wrote back and asked her something along the lines of, was she was admitting she had a problem? She wrote back and said that she has used off and on for a while now and thinks she also has an eating disorder or something like that. Well nothing ever came of that.

Fast forward to March 2009. 

Dick, the ex BF, calls my grandpa and tells him my mom has stolen about $6500 out of his account fraudulently and he is going to press charges against her. She was picked up at her place of work on Tuesday the 17th. She's in jail and facing about 20 counts of possession of a forged instrument in the 1st degree. My sister has heard from Dick that she could be sentenced to 5-10 years in prison. My grandma told her she's looking at a year. 

A year I can deal with but 5-10 really freaked me out. Like almost instant tears, which doesn't happen very often anymore. I felt sick to my stomach like someone had just knocked the wind out of me. And I'm talking to my sister as she's telling me this then she goes on to tell me how she's just been thinking about her all day. Asking herself, what is she doing right now? where is she exactly? does she have a toothbrush?

She has a trial or something (the legal process is lost on me) next Friday where she will appear by video from jail. 

I've decided it's time to go see her and start down this road to (hopefully) recovery. 

Saturday all three of us daughters got an email from Mom that simply said, I love you. 

Today the three of us got a text saying, I sold the house. She sold the house that she'd been saying she was going to sell for over two years now. Wow, now she can buy all the crack in the world! Haha- bad joke.

My littlest sister texted her back- DOn't care. Quit contacting us until ur off that sh#t. I'm tired of having to clean up the emotional mess u make out of L and K. 

Whoa, she's a badass. She didn't get a response. 

I spoke with my grandpa tonight about Mom selling the house. He was surprised it sold so quickly but I wasn't. He read me an email she sent him a week or so ago. It said something like this:

I have been in an outpatient recovery program for a month now and realize that I need to go to an Inpatient program for a longer period of time. With the help of my counselor I am looking for a place to go. I need to go somewhere loving not anywhere hospital like. And not Hazeldon. [She also asked if he would pay the copay for the outpatient stuff and described how it was covered under insurance, etc.] I need to go now but I need to discuss some other things with you about my teeth and stuff.

He replied saying something like he was glad she was realizing this stuff. He also told her he knew about her accident a couple weeks ago.

On a weekend night she was out at 4 in the morning and hit a fire hydrant in front of someone's house in the neighborhood across the street from the one she lives in. She left the scene of the accident and went home. The people who lived in the house the fire hydrant was in front of called the police. I guess Mom had ruptured her oil tank and the cops followed the oil trail back to her house which was not too far away. She came to the door with something covering her mouth and said she had something done to her teeth or something and denied hitting the fire hydrant. That's all we know about that incident. 

Mom's hearing is this Friday. If anybody out there is reading, please pray for my mom to have to answer for her actions. Please pray that she goes to jail and has an awakening. 

Close Encounters

I just realized that I have almost all the communication that my mom and I have had since April on my phone because it's all been through texting. . . except this one:

On Tuesday I was on my way to meet my sisters at the gym and went into the locker room to change my shirt. I was running about 30 minutes late b/c I was on the phone with this girl I know as an acquaintance and she wanted to know how to get more involved at church. She's single (I'm not), she's got a very busy schedule (I don't), and she really good friends with a girl who's SuperChristian, you know the ones- they never do anything wrong, (I'm not down with these types).  Anyway- I was trying to help her out and becoming more and more late. Sitting there in my car I saw Jimmy aka Most Idiotic Boyfriend of Mom's Ever sitting on a bench outside the gym and thought, "Oh, crap." Mom teaches tonight and there's a good chance she'll be walking out that door at any moment. He was obviously waiting for her. Eff.

I got off the phone fearing that I sounded uninterested in what acquaintance girl had to say and walked to the door. I said hello to Jimmy and tried to act like I was in a hurry. He said something to me but I can't remember what it was because it was unimportant. I checked in and went to the locker room to change my shirt- I had come straight from teaching dance. As I'm pulling my shirt up I see my mom. She is so close. Human contact unavoidable. I feel surprisingly calm. 

"Hi, Mom."

Look of shock on her face, head shake, "hi, [insert pet name here- can't remember which one she used]."

She walked toward me and held out her arms as I pulled my shirt of all the way off and stood there in my leotard.

"Can I have a hug," she didn't think I was going to hug her because it was taking me so long to take my shirt off. 

"Yeah," we hugged. She smelled like she always does: covered in perfume and drugs. Musty.

"It is really good to see you," she says.

"You too." She walks away and then pokes her head back around the corner and says it again, "It was really good to see you." Then she's gone. 

After about 10 minutes of sitting there in shock and hashing out the why's and what's and how's with my sisters one says, "Maybe that wasn't for you. Maybe it was for her." I felt really self-centered in that moment. All I could think about was that I should have said, "no- you can't have a hug." Or I should've gotten a better look at her teeth or body. But maybe it just happened and that's all it is. 

Text to Avoid Actual Human Contact

This is the text my sister got from Mom on her birthday about a month ago:

Don't know what to say, but I could not not tell you I loved you today. You're 21, I can't believe it. About this time 21 years ago I was headed to the hospital, in just 4 hours at 4:17pm my sweet 10lb 12oz baby girl was born. I loved you sooo much! Don't know if you know but I'm in a recovery program 5 days a week from 10:30-12:30. Doin good, passed 3 drug screenings and might get to go 4 days a week soon. Jimmy has been so supportive, I've put him through some shit but he still loves me. No one has ever loved me like he does. Heard you're doing great in school. Well that's all.

Sickening Disbelief

It is September 12, 2008. Where has the year gone? My sisters and I spent the day together working out, eating, leg waxing, eating. . . because of my new job we get to do this every Friday (minus the waxing). My littlest sister had to go to work so the other one and I went to a movie. We saw The Women- it was amazing. Made me thankful for all the wonderful women in my life. 

Right before we went into the movie. The littlest sister called telling us she had seen one of Mom's neighbors at work who told her Mom put her house up for sale. We called Papa and he said he already knew- my great-grandmother had driven by (which I'm sure she does often- if not daily) and seen the sign in her yard. I grabbed my phone to check for the listing on the internet and sure enough, there it was. Guess who the listing agent is? Yep, it's Jimmy, her current bf. It looked surprisingly shabby from the outside in the pictures. What has happened to that place I grew up in? What has happened inside those walls to change it so much? 

When we got out of the movie I wanted to see if Papa intended to buy the house- he had mentioned it before. He didn't give a clear answer saying, "We'll see what happens." Then I asked if he was still giving her money and he danced around the question by answering, "Well we pay for all the house stuff like property taxes and insurance so that the house doesn't get sold out from underneath her." I asked him if he paid her utility bills and he says, "Well we pay for everything for the house. You know like electric and stuff like that." 

I felt sick to my stomach. I just couldn't believe it. And so I tell him that I think it's a bad idea to continue this. He says, "Well (yes, every sentence began with 'Well') it's not that much money when you think about it." Aaaaaaaaaahhh!!! I wanted to scream! It's not the amount of money- it's the message you're sending!!!!! HELLO!!!! 

Ummmm, yes daughter, you go ahead and do whatever you like with your life. I'll continue to pay your bills so that I don't have to feel guilty if you die of starvation or get shot turning tricks for drugs. 

And so I'm upset and this is what I'd like to say:

To my grandpa:

I am in a state of disbelief. I cannot believe you are still paying Mom's bills. Today I want to scream at you and have little pity for you. I cannot understand what it is like to be in your shoes. I must repeat this to myself again and again to make sure I remember why I don't hate you. You are so incredibly smart yet so incredibly stupid. I cannot understand what it is like to be you. I feel as though you've deceived me. I thought that we all agreed to detach. You would stop giving her money. Yes, paying her bills is giving her money. Right now it feels like it will never end. IT WILL NEVER END UNTIL SHE IS DEAD. STOP! What are you thinking? 

I do feel sorry for you now. What is the purpose of the tragedy in your life? What is it that an old man is still to learn in his life? I wonder, where is God now?

To Jimmy (King of the Idiot Boyfriends of my Mom):

She will not change for you. You are most certainly retarded if you think she will stop doing drugs if you just love her enough. And from conversations we've had, I'm truly not surprised. Look around my friend: there is only you. Only you. Where has everyone gone? Hmmmm. . . let's see. First Husband and Father of Children- gone. Extended Family- gone. Children- gone. Friends- gone. Only one personal relationship left, and it's you. Her Savior, apparently. Thank you oh Jimmy; kindest and fairest, most supporting and loving of all. Thank you for prolonging my mom's addiction.

To my mother:

You are sick. I will know that you are better when you realize the faults of your ways and come crawling to the three of us for forgiveness. For now I'm angry at you. I've never felt anger like this before and I'm determined to let it out on this page so I don't turn out like you. You are dead to me and if you died tomorrow I feel like I would have a pretty good handle on things. It is truly sad you didn't die in some tragic way earlier in life so that I would have only known you as the wonderful mother that you were for 18 years of my life. I hate what the world has done to you. 

As I think about the purpose of this story in my life I think about my two brilliant little sisters. Unbelievably beautiful and strong, witty and smart. We now have an unbreakable bond forged by the tears cried for the loss of our mother. No one will ever come close to duplicating the relationship we have. There is no love like it and never will there be. So thank you Mom, for giving us the sisterly relationship you always said you wanted us to have. The one you had wished for growing up with only a brother. The one you dreamed about when you gave birth to each one of us. If only you were a part of it. If only you could see what you wished for has come true. 

Confessions by Email

This is an email my grandpa sent to my mom about a week ago:

I lost Bobby Gott today a friend since we were twelve tears old. I was with him at his last lucid moment. It just points out how short life is. Also Al Jenkins is in critical condition and today begged me to get the doctors to do something or let him die. A very depressing day.Mom the girls and me miss you and I pray that very soon you will realize how much we love you and that we need to be together. Why not call the girls tomorrow. I love you, Dad

This is my mom's response I referenced in my last post:

I love you too Dad, and I miss you and I can't even begin to tell you how I miss the girls and my grandson. I'm trying and doing the best I can. I wish it were so easy as to just WANT to be together with your family, I do WANT to be together with my family, I just don't know where to start. I'm not perfect, far from it and I am to old to do things they way you or anyone else wants me too. I am stubborn and spoiled, so I am going to handle my problems the best way I know how, not the best way my family thinks I should. Like I said stubborn and spoiled, but there are many like that in this family, they may not think so because it is hard to admit things like that to yourself, everyone thinks they would never do such and such or act such and such way. Hell if you'd told me 5 years ago I'd be dealing with the issues I have over the last 4 years I would have told you, you were nuts! If everyone would, as the say, walk a mile in someone's shoes maybe we'd all have more compassion and less judgment. I'm open for suggestions if you the girls are open to a phone call, by all means I'll call. I didn't think they wanted to see or talk to me unless it was on their terms, last terms that were proposed to me were a "group" what I call confrontation. I'm not up to that mentally or emotionally. I can't handle the criticism of something none of you know nothing about, it's not your fault, you just want to fix things that I have to fix on my own. I hope some of this makes sense and doesn't appear grandiose, I do not mean it to. I love you!

It makes my stomach churn to read her response. Am I being overly dramatic or is it clear to everyone else that she is deeply addicted and sacrificing all to stay that way?

I am so mad right now I just want to break something. We found out that my mom's ex, who is a CPA and lawyer, got her a lawyer for her hearing today. Supposedly he's one of the best in the state. My sisters and I couldn't have been more pissed at him. WHY! on earth would you bail her out like that?!?!?! Idiot. I just don't get it.

So, my mom found herself a lawyer and earned herself another couple months of freedom. Her lawyer suggested she go to a 30 day treatment facility and have her hearing pushed back to September 26th. However, going to treatment is not mandatory. If she doesn't go, she will go to jail at the time of her next hearing. If she does go I'm assuming she will not go to jail. So, it's 50/50. Mom needs a helluva lot more than 30 days in rehab. That's bunk. But, at least now we know she either goes for 30 days or she goes to jail. I wonder what she'll decide to do. Papa thinks she will put it off until the last moment if she goes. I can't imagine her actually going. What would she do without the drugs. I don't know if she can figure out how to work it in her head.

If I could talk to her right now this is what I would say:

Looks like you got yourself another couple months. What are you gonna do? Are you gonna go do the 30 days in rehab or just wait to be thrown in jail? I heard about your reply to Papa's email. It's always about you isn't it? "They don't know what I've been through the past four years." Try seven years, Mom. Yeah, it's been that long. And you don't remember b/c you're a crackhead. Must be nice to be able to go through life without a job, a big nice house that's paid off, and a Mercedes Benz convertible that you totaled without flinching. It must be nice to just say, "Well, I will talk to them if they call me but the last time they wanted to talk they wanted to confront me and I can't handle that," to excuse not talking to your daughters. Wow, you're good.

Did you know your first grandchild is going to be 6 months old on Monday? You haven't seen him since when? March? You're pathetic. You always told me you didn't want to end up being a mom like Meme and now look at you, you're worse. I understand that addiction is a disease but your selfishness started it.

I then I kick her in the shin. I thought we might need some comic relief after that one.

Another Ride. . .

. . . on the roller coaster please. Mom didn't have an attorney in court today. When you violate your probation I guess you forgo your right to a court appointed attorney. The judge told her to get an attorney and her hearing was rescheduled for next Friday. So we have to wait another week to find out what will happen.

Papa also said that she has another drug test on Tuesday. He's says it will be best if she tests positive again so she can't go in and say, "Look, I just tested negative for drugs on Tuesday." He says the best possible scenario is that she goes to jail for a couple weeks then he will talk to the judge and try to get her sentence changed to spend the rest of her time in rehab.

Another week of waiting and wondering and dreading and thinking too much. . . oh boy, how fun.

I Am

Today I'm thinking about how my mom ended up where she is. I have a big decision to make and about 24 hours to make the decision in. I wonder- what path did she choose that led her here? How do I make my life different? How do I make sure I live, and I mean LIVE, my life with no regrets. I know I've gotten one thing right by not getting married b/c I was knocked up like she did. (Not to devalue my parents marriage.) I'm in deep serious love with my husband and that's one thing I know for sure. 

Decisions like this suck. Why doesn't anyone tell you that being a grownup is not all it's cracked up to be. I hate money, and if it didn't exist I would know the answer to my dilemma now. I wish I never wanted to buy nice things or have "own a pair of Manolo's" on my life's to do list. I mean it's just stuff. But we're all controlled by it.  "Look at so-and-so's house; it's so small. Look at so-and-so's clothes; they're cheap. Look at so-and-so's vacation; they must be in debt up to their eyeballs." I will not live like this anymore. I refuse to judge myself by the standards of the world. 

I'll tell you what else sucks- not having your mom to talk to about these kind of decisions. My mom always knew just what to say to make me feel like I would know what to do b/c I have good intuition. She made me believe in myself like no one else ever will. She never made me feel like she knew best. She always wanted me to have a happy happy life because she didn't. She searched and searched for it and never found it. Instead she found her drug addiction. And I lost her. And with her, went a little part of me. 

I think a lot about how there should be this age limit for addiction, you know? Like once you reach 40 everyone can say, "Well she's made it 40 years, so she should be good to go for the rest of it." I wonder if my mom ever thought about being a drug addict when she was 25, because I have. In 20 years that's me. When she was my age and thought, "Where will I be and what will I be doing when I'm 45?" I bet she didn't think, "I'll be addicted to hard core drugs that I started doing because I felt overweight." 

The pressure of the world is tremendous. I will not fall under it's pressure. I want to be set apart. I pray that one day my mom will stand up again and see me, her daughter. She'll tell me she's sorry for not being there when I needed her most. But most of all she'll say she's sorry for making me think I've forgotten who I am. We'll move forward and have happy happy lives together. 

Probation Revocation

Mom's hearing is July 18th at 10A.M. I saw her walk out of the gym yesterday. I'm wondering what she's thinking- like is her mind so foggy that she has no idea she might go to jail for 6 months in a couple weeks?