I don't want to write this...

...but am afraid I will have bad dreams if I don't get it off my chest. 

It's been a long time since I've written but fortunately (for my emotional health) it's been quiet for a long time now too. Around Christmas time my mom wrote my grandpa to tell him she needed him to reimburse her for a dental surgery she had recently and that she thought she would like to go to an inpatient rehab program after the holidays. She said that after experiencing the outpatient program she was forced to do because of her probation terms she realized she needed something more involved. 

He wrote back and asked her something along the lines of, was she was admitting she had a problem? She wrote back and said that she has used off and on for a while now and thinks she also has an eating disorder or something like that. Well nothing ever came of that.

Fast forward to March 2009. 

Dick, the ex BF, calls my grandpa and tells him my mom has stolen about $6500 out of his account fraudulently and he is going to press charges against her. She was picked up at her place of work on Tuesday the 17th. She's in jail and facing about 20 counts of possession of a forged instrument in the 1st degree. My sister has heard from Dick that she could be sentenced to 5-10 years in prison. My grandma told her she's looking at a year. 

A year I can deal with but 5-10 really freaked me out. Like almost instant tears, which doesn't happen very often anymore. I felt sick to my stomach like someone had just knocked the wind out of me. And I'm talking to my sister as she's telling me this then she goes on to tell me how she's just been thinking about her all day. Asking herself, what is she doing right now? where is she exactly? does she have a toothbrush?

She has a trial or something (the legal process is lost on me) next Friday where she will appear by video from jail. 

I've decided it's time to go see her and start down this road to (hopefully) recovery. 

Saturday all three of us daughters got an email from Mom that simply said, I love you. 

Today the three of us got a text saying, I sold the house. She sold the house that she'd been saying she was going to sell for over two years now. Wow, now she can buy all the crack in the world! Haha- bad joke.

My littlest sister texted her back- DOn't care. Quit contacting us until ur off that sh#t. I'm tired of having to clean up the emotional mess u make out of L and K. 

Whoa, she's a badass. She didn't get a response. 

I spoke with my grandpa tonight about Mom selling the house. He was surprised it sold so quickly but I wasn't. He read me an email she sent him a week or so ago. It said something like this:

I have been in an outpatient recovery program for a month now and realize that I need to go to an Inpatient program for a longer period of time. With the help of my counselor I am looking for a place to go. I need to go somewhere loving not anywhere hospital like. And not Hazeldon. [She also asked if he would pay the copay for the outpatient stuff and described how it was covered under insurance, etc.] I need to go now but I need to discuss some other things with you about my teeth and stuff.

He replied saying something like he was glad she was realizing this stuff. He also told her he knew about her accident a couple weeks ago.

On a weekend night she was out at 4 in the morning and hit a fire hydrant in front of someone's house in the neighborhood across the street from the one she lives in. She left the scene of the accident and went home. The people who lived in the house the fire hydrant was in front of called the police. I guess Mom had ruptured her oil tank and the cops followed the oil trail back to her house which was not too far away. She came to the door with something covering her mouth and said she had something done to her teeth or something and denied hitting the fire hydrant. That's all we know about that incident. 

Mom's hearing is this Friday. If anybody out there is reading, please pray for my mom to have to answer for her actions. Please pray that she goes to jail and has an awakening. 

Close Encounters

I just realized that I have almost all the communication that my mom and I have had since April on my phone because it's all been through texting. . . except this one:

On Tuesday I was on my way to meet my sisters at the gym and went into the locker room to change my shirt. I was running about 30 minutes late b/c I was on the phone with this girl I know as an acquaintance and she wanted to know how to get more involved at church. She's single (I'm not), she's got a very busy schedule (I don't), and she really good friends with a girl who's SuperChristian, you know the ones- they never do anything wrong, (I'm not down with these types).  Anyway- I was trying to help her out and becoming more and more late. Sitting there in my car I saw Jimmy aka Most Idiotic Boyfriend of Mom's Ever sitting on a bench outside the gym and thought, "Oh, crap." Mom teaches tonight and there's a good chance she'll be walking out that door at any moment. He was obviously waiting for her. Eff.

I got off the phone fearing that I sounded uninterested in what acquaintance girl had to say and walked to the door. I said hello to Jimmy and tried to act like I was in a hurry. He said something to me but I can't remember what it was because it was unimportant. I checked in and went to the locker room to change my shirt- I had come straight from teaching dance. As I'm pulling my shirt up I see my mom. She is so close. Human contact unavoidable. I feel surprisingly calm. 

"Hi, Mom."

Look of shock on her face, head shake, "hi, [insert pet name here- can't remember which one she used]."

She walked toward me and held out her arms as I pulled my shirt of all the way off and stood there in my leotard.

"Can I have a hug," she didn't think I was going to hug her because it was taking me so long to take my shirt off. 

"Yeah," we hugged. She smelled like she always does: covered in perfume and drugs. Musty.

"It is really good to see you," she says.

"You too." She walks away and then pokes her head back around the corner and says it again, "It was really good to see you." Then she's gone. 

After about 10 minutes of sitting there in shock and hashing out the why's and what's and how's with my sisters one says, "Maybe that wasn't for you. Maybe it was for her." I felt really self-centered in that moment. All I could think about was that I should have said, "no- you can't have a hug." Or I should've gotten a better look at her teeth or body. But maybe it just happened and that's all it is. 

Text to Avoid Actual Human Contact

This is the text my sister got from Mom on her birthday about a month ago:

Don't know what to say, but I could not not tell you I loved you today. You're 21, I can't believe it. About this time 21 years ago I was headed to the hospital, in just 4 hours at 4:17pm my sweet 10lb 12oz baby girl was born. I loved you sooo much! Don't know if you know but I'm in a recovery program 5 days a week from 10:30-12:30. Doin good, passed 3 drug screenings and might get to go 4 days a week soon. Jimmy has been so supportive, I've put him through some shit but he still loves me. No one has ever loved me like he does. Heard you're doing great in school. Well that's all.

Sickening Disbelief

It is September 12, 2008. Where has the year gone? My sisters and I spent the day together working out, eating, leg waxing, eating. . . because of my new job we get to do this every Friday (minus the waxing). My littlest sister had to go to work so the other one and I went to a movie. We saw The Women- it was amazing. Made me thankful for all the wonderful women in my life. 

Right before we went into the movie. The littlest sister called telling us she had seen one of Mom's neighbors at work who told her Mom put her house up for sale. We called Papa and he said he already knew- my great-grandmother had driven by (which I'm sure she does often- if not daily) and seen the sign in her yard. I grabbed my phone to check for the listing on the internet and sure enough, there it was. Guess who the listing agent is? Yep, it's Jimmy, her current bf. It looked surprisingly shabby from the outside in the pictures. What has happened to that place I grew up in? What has happened inside those walls to change it so much? 

When we got out of the movie I wanted to see if Papa intended to buy the house- he had mentioned it before. He didn't give a clear answer saying, "We'll see what happens." Then I asked if he was still giving her money and he danced around the question by answering, "Well we pay for all the house stuff like property taxes and insurance so that the house doesn't get sold out from underneath her." I asked him if he paid her utility bills and he says, "Well we pay for everything for the house. You know like electric and stuff like that." 

I felt sick to my stomach. I just couldn't believe it. And so I tell him that I think it's a bad idea to continue this. He says, "Well (yes, every sentence began with 'Well') it's not that much money when you think about it." Aaaaaaaaaahhh!!! I wanted to scream! It's not the amount of money- it's the message you're sending!!!!! HELLO!!!! 

Ummmm, yes daughter, you go ahead and do whatever you like with your life. I'll continue to pay your bills so that I don't have to feel guilty if you die of starvation or get shot turning tricks for drugs. 

And so I'm upset and this is what I'd like to say:

To my grandpa:

I am in a state of disbelief. I cannot believe you are still paying Mom's bills. Today I want to scream at you and have little pity for you. I cannot understand what it is like to be in your shoes. I must repeat this to myself again and again to make sure I remember why I don't hate you. You are so incredibly smart yet so incredibly stupid. I cannot understand what it is like to be you. I feel as though you've deceived me. I thought that we all agreed to detach. You would stop giving her money. Yes, paying her bills is giving her money. Right now it feels like it will never end. IT WILL NEVER END UNTIL SHE IS DEAD. STOP! What are you thinking? 

I do feel sorry for you now. What is the purpose of the tragedy in your life? What is it that an old man is still to learn in his life? I wonder, where is God now?

To Jimmy (King of the Idiot Boyfriends of my Mom):

She will not change for you. You are most certainly retarded if you think she will stop doing drugs if you just love her enough. And from conversations we've had, I'm truly not surprised. Look around my friend: there is only you. Only you. Where has everyone gone? Hmmmm. . . let's see. First Husband and Father of Children- gone. Extended Family- gone. Children- gone. Friends- gone. Only one personal relationship left, and it's you. Her Savior, apparently. Thank you oh Jimmy; kindest and fairest, most supporting and loving of all. Thank you for prolonging my mom's addiction.

To my mother:

You are sick. I will know that you are better when you realize the faults of your ways and come crawling to the three of us for forgiveness. For now I'm angry at you. I've never felt anger like this before and I'm determined to let it out on this page so I don't turn out like you. You are dead to me and if you died tomorrow I feel like I would have a pretty good handle on things. It is truly sad you didn't die in some tragic way earlier in life so that I would have only known you as the wonderful mother that you were for 18 years of my life. I hate what the world has done to you. 

As I think about the purpose of this story in my life I think about my two brilliant little sisters. Unbelievably beautiful and strong, witty and smart. We now have an unbreakable bond forged by the tears cried for the loss of our mother. No one will ever come close to duplicating the relationship we have. There is no love like it and never will there be. So thank you Mom, for giving us the sisterly relationship you always said you wanted us to have. The one you had wished for growing up with only a brother. The one you dreamed about when you gave birth to each one of us. If only you were a part of it. If only you could see what you wished for has come true. 

Confessions by Email

This is an email my grandpa sent to my mom about a week ago:

I lost Bobby Gott today a friend since we were twelve tears old. I was with him at his last lucid moment. It just points out how short life is. Also Al Jenkins is in critical condition and today begged me to get the doctors to do something or let him die. A very depressing day.Mom the girls and me miss you and I pray that very soon you will realize how much we love you and that we need to be together. Why not call the girls tomorrow. I love you, Dad

This is my mom's response I referenced in my last post:

I love you too Dad, and I miss you and I can't even begin to tell you how I miss the girls and my grandson. I'm trying and doing the best I can. I wish it were so easy as to just WANT to be together with your family, I do WANT to be together with my family, I just don't know where to start. I'm not perfect, far from it and I am to old to do things they way you or anyone else wants me too. I am stubborn and spoiled, so I am going to handle my problems the best way I know how, not the best way my family thinks I should. Like I said stubborn and spoiled, but there are many like that in this family, they may not think so because it is hard to admit things like that to yourself, everyone thinks they would never do such and such or act such and such way. Hell if you'd told me 5 years ago I'd be dealing with the issues I have over the last 4 years I would have told you, you were nuts! If everyone would, as the say, walk a mile in someone's shoes maybe we'd all have more compassion and less judgment. I'm open for suggestions if you the girls are open to a phone call, by all means I'll call. I didn't think they wanted to see or talk to me unless it was on their terms, last terms that were proposed to me were a "group" what I call confrontation. I'm not up to that mentally or emotionally. I can't handle the criticism of something none of you know nothing about, it's not your fault, you just want to fix things that I have to fix on my own. I hope some of this makes sense and doesn't appear grandiose, I do not mean it to. I love you!

It makes my stomach churn to read her response. Am I being overly dramatic or is it clear to everyone else that she is deeply addicted and sacrificing all to stay that way?

I am so mad right now I just want to break something. We found out that my mom's ex, who is a CPA and lawyer, got her a lawyer for her hearing today. Supposedly he's one of the best in the state. My sisters and I couldn't have been more pissed at him. WHY! on earth would you bail her out like that?!?!?! Idiot. I just don't get it.

So, my mom found herself a lawyer and earned herself another couple months of freedom. Her lawyer suggested she go to a 30 day treatment facility and have her hearing pushed back to September 26th. However, going to treatment is not mandatory. If she doesn't go, she will go to jail at the time of her next hearing. If she does go I'm assuming she will not go to jail. So, it's 50/50. Mom needs a helluva lot more than 30 days in rehab. That's bunk. But, at least now we know she either goes for 30 days or she goes to jail. I wonder what she'll decide to do. Papa thinks she will put it off until the last moment if she goes. I can't imagine her actually going. What would she do without the drugs. I don't know if she can figure out how to work it in her head.

If I could talk to her right now this is what I would say:

Looks like you got yourself another couple months. What are you gonna do? Are you gonna go do the 30 days in rehab or just wait to be thrown in jail? I heard about your reply to Papa's email. It's always about you isn't it? "They don't know what I've been through the past four years." Try seven years, Mom. Yeah, it's been that long. And you don't remember b/c you're a crackhead. Must be nice to be able to go through life without a job, a big nice house that's paid off, and a Mercedes Benz convertible that you totaled without flinching. It must be nice to just say, "Well, I will talk to them if they call me but the last time they wanted to talk they wanted to confront me and I can't handle that," to excuse not talking to your daughters. Wow, you're good.

Did you know your first grandchild is going to be 6 months old on Monday? You haven't seen him since when? March? You're pathetic. You always told me you didn't want to end up being a mom like Meme and now look at you, you're worse. I understand that addiction is a disease but your selfishness started it.

I then I kick her in the shin. I thought we might need some comic relief after that one.

Another Ride. . .

. . . on the roller coaster please. Mom didn't have an attorney in court today. When you violate your probation I guess you forgo your right to a court appointed attorney. The judge told her to get an attorney and her hearing was rescheduled for next Friday. So we have to wait another week to find out what will happen.

Papa also said that she has another drug test on Tuesday. He's says it will be best if she tests positive again so she can't go in and say, "Look, I just tested negative for drugs on Tuesday." He says the best possible scenario is that she goes to jail for a couple weeks then he will talk to the judge and try to get her sentence changed to spend the rest of her time in rehab.

Another week of waiting and wondering and dreading and thinking too much. . . oh boy, how fun.

I Am

Today I'm thinking about how my mom ended up where she is. I have a big decision to make and about 24 hours to make the decision in. I wonder- what path did she choose that led her here? How do I make my life different? How do I make sure I live, and I mean LIVE, my life with no regrets. I know I've gotten one thing right by not getting married b/c I was knocked up like she did. (Not to devalue my parents marriage.) I'm in deep serious love with my husband and that's one thing I know for sure. 

Decisions like this suck. Why doesn't anyone tell you that being a grownup is not all it's cracked up to be. I hate money, and if it didn't exist I would know the answer to my dilemma now. I wish I never wanted to buy nice things or have "own a pair of Manolo's" on my life's to do list. I mean it's just stuff. But we're all controlled by it.  "Look at so-and-so's house; it's so small. Look at so-and-so's clothes; they're cheap. Look at so-and-so's vacation; they must be in debt up to their eyeballs." I will not live like this anymore. I refuse to judge myself by the standards of the world. 

I'll tell you what else sucks- not having your mom to talk to about these kind of decisions. My mom always knew just what to say to make me feel like I would know what to do b/c I have good intuition. She made me believe in myself like no one else ever will. She never made me feel like she knew best. She always wanted me to have a happy happy life because she didn't. She searched and searched for it and never found it. Instead she found her drug addiction. And I lost her. And with her, went a little part of me. 

I think a lot about how there should be this age limit for addiction, you know? Like once you reach 40 everyone can say, "Well she's made it 40 years, so she should be good to go for the rest of it." I wonder if my mom ever thought about being a drug addict when she was 25, because I have. In 20 years that's me. When she was my age and thought, "Where will I be and what will I be doing when I'm 45?" I bet she didn't think, "I'll be addicted to hard core drugs that I started doing because I felt overweight." 

The pressure of the world is tremendous. I will not fall under it's pressure. I want to be set apart. I pray that one day my mom will stand up again and see me, her daughter. She'll tell me she's sorry for not being there when I needed her most. But most of all she'll say she's sorry for making me think I've forgotten who I am. We'll move forward and have happy happy lives together. 

Probation Revocation

Mom's hearing is July 18th at 10A.M. I saw her walk out of the gym yesterday. I'm wondering what she's thinking- like is her mind so foggy that she has no idea she might go to jail for 6 months in a couple weeks?

Meditation

I lie in bed and can't sleep because I'm thinking of her. These images just flood my mind. I think about her before and I think about her after. I think about all the times she's let me down. I think about all the times she's held me up. I remember how good it felt when she said, "I'm proud of you." I think about how it would be if she became sober. I wonder if she would love us as much as she used to. I think about where she is at night, and can only imagine the places she goes or the things she does for drugs.



It's so funny. I remember when I was growing up thinking there wasn't enough drama in my life and that if something awful were to happen then I'd have something to talk about, mourn about, write about, dance about, sing about, cry about. The artist in me starving for some kind of tragedy. What a silly girl.



I read once about a meditation, and I tried it the other night:

Imagine yourself in a peaceful place. Put every thought that comes to mind inside a balloon and watch it drift away.

On my honeymoon we took a day trip to Oahu from Maui. After touring Pearl Harbor we drove around the island in our Jeep Wrangler and stopped at every beach we could find. While driving along the North Shore, we came around a bend to find dozens of kites flying in the air. We pulled over and wandered down to the beach to find something we'd never seen before, people kiteboarding. It was late in the afternoon and the sun was looking lazy in the sky. The beach was beautiful, the sand was warm, and I was with my best friend watching people glide across the water by the power of their kites. We sat next to each other on the beach and just watched. It's one of my favorite moments ever. I went there and watched thoughts of my mom drift away in those balloons and I finally fell asleep.

Waking the Dead

So, it's been awhile. Almost a month. Sometimes I think of my mom and I realize I've forgotten about her. If she's not on my mind all the time I feel guilty. It's the way I imagine it would feel if someone close to me died. Whenever I think of her, I get this horrible image of her all strung out stuck in my head. Face sallowed, eyes sunken, teeth broken, misery.

I got a text from my mom's ex yesterday that read, "Praying for your mom." I immediately called my littlest sister and asked her what was going on. Apparently my grandpa has hired an attorney to watch Mom's case. She failed two drug tests and has to go to an arraignment next Friday for violation of probation.

We all knew it would happen. It was just a matter of time. I didn't think it would be this soon. It looks like the truth will finally be coming out. I just want to hear her say it. "I do drugs and I'm addicted to them. I don't want to stop either, and you can't make me."

I just wonder what it will be like if she gets better. I feel so numb.

Info on Meth Mouth and meth in general. . .

Craziness

I got a call from my great-grandmother a week or so ago. She had a stroke about a year ago and ever since she's a little fuzzy on things. She told me that mom had walked over to her house, she lives about a mile or two from my mom, and gotten confrontational with her. She said she came in and sat at her kitchen table and told my great-grandma to not get up out of her chair. She was angry and started yelling at my great-grandma about lots of things. She said that my great-grandma shouldn't be talking to her girls about her because it worries us. She also said that she was angry at my grandpa (he recently emailed her a letter explaining why there would not be any more money coming in for her) and doesn't he know that she's the reason he's successful?

After she went on for awhile my great-grandma got up out of her chair and walked over toward my mom to get something and my mom grabbed her by the arms. My great-grandma had to push her off and after that my mom left.

The next day my great-grandma decided to call the police and get a restraining order where my mom can't go on her property anymore.

Since the stroke she tells the same story over and over again until a new one happens. She's called several times and told me the same story and ends by asking me what I'm going to do about it. She says you need to call her and get her help. It's very frustrating because she can't logically understand what is going on and that we can't make Mom go anywhere or get treatment. It's so sad.

Mother's Day

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and as I stood in front of all the cards at Hallmark this morning looking for cards for my sister and step-mom I spaced out. I can only imagined how I must have looked- standing there staring but not really looking. I thought about how silly Mother's Day is and how bad it sucks that I could not find a card for my own mother nor did I want to. Why do we even have Mother's Day anyway?

I wonder how my mom will feel tomorrow when none of her children contact her? Does she even know it's Mother's Day? Does she even care?

Totaled

My parents were divorced my senior year of high school and ever since then my mom's life has been slowly falling apart. One of the earliest signs of this happened at my grandfather's funeral.

Pop died during finals week of my first semester in college. I ended up failing my first college class that semester. Go figure.

I was in my extra-long twin sized bed in my dorm room sitting on sheets of cloud covered blue, that I’m sure had only been washed once in the four months I had been sleeping on them, when I got a phone call from Dad.

“I’m driving to North Carolina. Pop’s been in a car accident and it’s not looking good. . .” he rambled off on the verge of tears.

“Do you want me to go with you? I can go. I’ll get ready right now.”

“No, no. I’ll call you when I know more.”

“I love you, Dad. Please be careful.”

Dad didn’t want Mom to go to the funeral in the first place and here she was trying to get my sisters and I, or at least one of us, to ride to North Carolina with her. This was before it had gotten really bad with Mom and my sisters and I were still really close to her. I was angry at Dad for being selfish. After all, they had just gotten divorced. It had only been a little over a year since they broke the news to us. How could Mom just stop loving Pop as a father like she truly did in such a short amount of time or ever for that matter? As I look back now, I see the silliness of my immaturity and naiveté. Dad knew Mom and her selfishness and what she would bring to the situation.

We followed Dad’s wishes and rode down to North Carolina with him and his new girlfriend, a freakishly devout and disciplined Christian, Kathi. None of us liked her or were comfortable around her. You could see her judgment of us in her eyes. I'm sure it was hard for her to love us. We resented the fact that she was even involved in such a private family matter, and that we had to spend 5 hours in the car with her when Mom had to travel by herself. Mom had a boyfriend too, Dick. I remember one time when I was sick; he came over and brought The Graduate for all of us to watch. He had the most obnoxious laugh to ever be heard, and there I was dying of strep throat on my mom’s couch and this guy with the awful laugh invaded my territory. Anyway, Dad didn’t want Dick at the funeral either, understandably. So Mom was left to travel by her lonesome, or so we thought.

Funerals truly baffle me. I wonder how it is that you are supposed to see all these people, some you know very well and some you don’t know at all, and soothe them through the loss of one of your closest relatives. I don’t know how my grandmother did it. We, all the grandchildren, were seated on the couch most of the time just crying and surely looking desolate. It was the first funeral I’d ever been too and I was 18. I guess some might say I’m lucky.

The wake was at GG's, my grandmother’s, home. After being there for a while I noticed my mother was acting strange. Her eyes were glazed and she had a hard time keeping them open. She slurred her speech. We had only been there an hour when she came to me telling me she couldn’t be there any longer. I told her that I knew something was wrong and she shouldn’t be driving. She told me that I should leave with her if I didn't want her driving. I couldn’t believe she would be selfish enough to ask me to leave my grandfather’s wake and my dad because of her selfishness. I said no. I followed her out the door and begged her not to drive. She did not listen to me. I watched her drive away into the darkness.

Hours later, everyone had left and it was just the family. I had not been able to get a hold of Mom since she left. I left with my Aunt Karen to spend the night at her house. She has always been really easy to talk to. Even though we don’t see each other that often, maybe twice a year, I always feel like we pick up right where we left off. I talked to her about Mom on the way home and told her about Mom’s downward spiral since the divorce. Awhile after arriving at my Aunt’s, she came in to the room where I was staying. She explained to me that my mom had totaled the car she was driving, which happened to be her boyfriend Dick’s. She was okay, of course, and was at the hospital with Dick. With who? Yes, she had brought Dick with her against my dad’s wishes.

She had accomplished what I think my dad feared- making the loss of our beloved Pop about her. Instead of being focused on my dad, my family and the life and love my grandfather had so willingly given to me I was worried that Mom had been killed in a car accident.

She totalled another car this past summer. Her Mercedes convertible that she had wanted so desperately was crushed when she plowed into the side of a blazer and flipped it. I remember being in high school when she found a picture of her dream car and had it hanging on the fridge for months. She finally got it partially as a gift from Papa and partially paid for by my dad. When it was declared totaled it didn't seem to effect her at all.

Another Tooth. . .

On Saturday I got a text from Mom that read:

Had a rough week, on tues nite a person driving an SUV ran a red light and smashed n to my car. I had pretty hard blow to my head and it knocked out my bottom middle tooth, decent size cut on my left knee. Then if that weren't bad enough they ran! Didn't stop! Some lady saw it and followed so she got the license plate # still waiting for police report.

I knew instantly she was lying. She's lost another tooth and needed some reason for it other than crystal meth. My sister texted her back and asked her what car she was driving (because she pawned her Audi) and she said my car. My sister said your Audi? And she said yeah, what else would I be driving.

I get more angry at her when she lies to us than about anything else. Maybe it's because that is what our relationship has turned into- a big lie.

It's been so hard to keep on top of this because it's just hard to think about her in general. I get so sad. It's so sad to see what she's become. I have felt for awhile now like my mom is dead and she doesn't care that I feel that way because she's enveloped in addiction.

Guilty

My sisters and I went to my mom's court date. It was nerve racking. Right when we walked in the doors we saw my mom going through security. I just froze and turned to look at my sister Lauren. "What do we do?" She shrugged. We waited, hearts pounding furiously, until she got through. We went through security and stopped in the lobby fearing we would run into her. Keep in mind she has no idea we even know she's gotten into this situation. Eventually we climbed the stairs to courtroom 3. I was thinking the whole time how ridiculous it was that I was scared of seeing my own mother. I just couldn't believe we were there about to see her on trial.

We made it into the court room without seeing her. We sat in the back row of the room. Shortly after we sat down we saw her come in the room. She saw us and kept walking, not even glancing our way. She sat about 3 rows ahead of us and started doing something in her lap. I saw her, out of the corner of my eye, look casually over her shoulder a few times making sure it was us she had really seen, I assume. She had her hair in that high ponytail she's been wearing her hair in lately, it sat literally right on top of her head. She had on a light pink shirt. After about 10 minutes she got up and left the room. She was ninth on the docket and we had no way of knowing what case they were on. We all wondered where she had gone and hoped she hadn't left because of us. We heard a case about a marine who stole MRE's and tried to sell them at some gun shop he owned in rural KY. He had to go to trial.

What seemed like an eternity went by and finally she came back in with her attorney, who none of us recognized. Her attorney showed her to a seat near the front and she sat with her shoulders hunched over; you could tell she was crying. It was one of the saddest things I have ever seen. I wanted to run over and hug her and tell her I loved her and that everything would be OK. But I couldn't. It was heartbreaking. They called her name and it was her turn. We quickly learned that she had plead guilty, had her charges lessened, and was sentenced to 2 years probation with supervision and mandatory substance abuse counseling. We were disappointed, but along with probation comes drug testing and if she violates her probation it's a mandatory 180 days in jail. I think the crap will hit the fan sooner or later.

Answered prayer?

My mom was arrested on April 3rd for having 3 $20 counterfeit bills and possession of drug paraphernalia- 2 crack pipes and a bunch of orange pills in a plastic bag. It was also said in the report that she pawned her car, a $40,000 convertible Audi, for $8,000 to a local pawn shop along with many other items. The pawned car part made me sick to my stomach. She has never sounded so desperate.

Her preliminary hearing is this Friday. My sister and I (my other sister will be out of town) have decided to go to the hearing in an attempt to make a statement to her- We know what's going on and you can't lie to us anymore. It's scary to think about being there in her presence. I have not talked with her in person in a few weeks since before we tried to have an intervention. We decided to try intervention without tricking her into it- big mistake. It won't work; you have to trick them. She literally fled from us making her desperation all the more obvious. It's never been this bad; she's always been willing to defend herself. 

My mom's situation is unique. My grandfather is a very wealthy man and he has been supporting my mom because she teaches workout classes for a living and doesn't make a lot doing it. She, until very recently, has had loads of money at her disposal that we always assumed was going towards drugs. She's been very good at manipulating us into thinking she doesn't have a problem. Over the past few months, things have been getting worse and worse. And now she's being charged with a felony.

We are hoping to see some corrective action and hoping that this will give Mom a moment of sanity. I have been praying to God to just do something- DO ANYTHING! I have had a team of wonderful friends praying for my mom and I feel like this is an answer. Even the way we found out seemed to be divine. We'll see what happens.

The beginning.

I remember being at my mom's house, the house I grew up in, one day in the spring time. It was sometime around my freshman year of college, about 7 years ago, and Mom had recently broken her ankle in a biking accident. She was crazy into health and fitness- or maybe she was crazy into looking good. After being off her feet for a long period of time to heal she had gained some weight. She might have added 10 lbs onto her 115. She said to me, "Dawn* says there's this drug you can take and lose weight really quickly. What do you think about that? I mean you have to smoke, snort or inject it and I just don't know if I could do any of those." Bewildered by this comment, I was silent. My mom was asking me what I, her 18 year old daughter, thought if she did drugs to lose weight.

I'll never forget this conversation- it's the beginning of the story for me. I'll always wish I had said what I really thought.

Have you heard the song Say by John Mayer? I'm not his biggest fan but I love the lyrics of this song:

Take all of your wasted honor

Every little past frustration

Take all of your so-called problems

Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army

Fighting with the shadows in your head

Living out the same old moment

Knowing you'd be better off instead

If you could only. . .

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You'd better know that in the end

Its better to say too much

Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say [x24]