Meditation

I lie in bed and can't sleep because I'm thinking of her. These images just flood my mind. I think about her before and I think about her after. I think about all the times she's let me down. I think about all the times she's held me up. I remember how good it felt when she said, "I'm proud of you." I think about how it would be if she became sober. I wonder if she would love us as much as she used to. I think about where she is at night, and can only imagine the places she goes or the things she does for drugs.



It's so funny. I remember when I was growing up thinking there wasn't enough drama in my life and that if something awful were to happen then I'd have something to talk about, mourn about, write about, dance about, sing about, cry about. The artist in me starving for some kind of tragedy. What a silly girl.



I read once about a meditation, and I tried it the other night:

Imagine yourself in a peaceful place. Put every thought that comes to mind inside a balloon and watch it drift away.

On my honeymoon we took a day trip to Oahu from Maui. After touring Pearl Harbor we drove around the island in our Jeep Wrangler and stopped at every beach we could find. While driving along the North Shore, we came around a bend to find dozens of kites flying in the air. We pulled over and wandered down to the beach to find something we'd never seen before, people kiteboarding. It was late in the afternoon and the sun was looking lazy in the sky. The beach was beautiful, the sand was warm, and I was with my best friend watching people glide across the water by the power of their kites. We sat next to each other on the beach and just watched. It's one of my favorite moments ever. I went there and watched thoughts of my mom drift away in those balloons and I finally fell asleep.

Waking the Dead

So, it's been awhile. Almost a month. Sometimes I think of my mom and I realize I've forgotten about her. If she's not on my mind all the time I feel guilty. It's the way I imagine it would feel if someone close to me died. Whenever I think of her, I get this horrible image of her all strung out stuck in my head. Face sallowed, eyes sunken, teeth broken, misery.

I got a text from my mom's ex yesterday that read, "Praying for your mom." I immediately called my littlest sister and asked her what was going on. Apparently my grandpa has hired an attorney to watch Mom's case. She failed two drug tests and has to go to an arraignment next Friday for violation of probation.

We all knew it would happen. It was just a matter of time. I didn't think it would be this soon. It looks like the truth will finally be coming out. I just want to hear her say it. "I do drugs and I'm addicted to them. I don't want to stop either, and you can't make me."

I just wonder what it will be like if she gets better. I feel so numb.