Friday, May 30, 2008
Craziness
I got a call from my great-grandmother a week or so ago. She had a stroke about a year ago and ever since she's a little fuzzy on things. She told me that mom had walked over to her house, she lives about a mile or two from my mom, and gotten confrontational with her. She said she came in and sat at her kitchen table and told my great-grandma to not get up out of her chair. She was angry and started yelling at my great-grandma about lots of things. She said that my great-grandma shouldn't be talking to her girls about her because it worries us. She also said that she was angry at my grandpa (he recently emailed her a letter explaining why there would not be any more money coming in for her) and doesn't he know that she's the reason he's successful?
After she went on for awhile my great-grandma got up out of her chair and walked over toward my mom to get something and my mom grabbed her by the arms. My great-grandma had to push her off and after that my mom left.
The next day my great-grandma decided to call the police and get a restraining order where my mom can't go on her property anymore.
Since the stroke she tells the same story over and over again until a new one happens. She's called several times and told me the same story and ends by asking me what I'm going to do about it. She says you need to call her and get her help. It's very frustrating because she can't logically understand what is going on and that we can't make Mom go anywhere or get treatment. It's so sad.
After she went on for awhile my great-grandma got up out of her chair and walked over toward my mom to get something and my mom grabbed her by the arms. My great-grandma had to push her off and after that my mom left.
The next day my great-grandma decided to call the police and get a restraining order where my mom can't go on her property anymore.
Since the stroke she tells the same story over and over again until a new one happens. She's called several times and told me the same story and ends by asking me what I'm going to do about it. She says you need to call her and get her help. It's very frustrating because she can't logically understand what is going on and that we can't make Mom go anywhere or get treatment. It's so sad.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Mother's Day
Tomorrow is Mother's Day and as I stood in front of all the cards at Hallmark this morning looking for cards for my sister and step-mom I spaced out. I can only imagined how I must have looked- standing there staring but not really looking. I thought about how silly Mother's Day is and how bad it sucks that I could not find a card for my own mother nor did I want to. Why do we even have Mother's Day anyway?
I wonder how my mom will feel tomorrow when none of her children contact her? Does she even know it's Mother's Day? Does she even care?
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Totaled
My parents were divorced my senior year of high school and ever since then my mom's life has been slowly falling apart. One of the earliest signs of this happened at my grandfather's funeral.
Pop died during finals week of my first semester in college. I ended up failing my first college class that semester. Go figure.
I was in my extra-long twin sized bed in my dorm room sitting on sheets of cloud covered blue, that I’m sure had only been washed once in the four months I had been sleeping on them, when I got a phone call from Dad.
“I’m driving to North Carolina. Pop’s been in a car accident and it’s not looking good. . .” he rambled off on the verge of tears.
“Do you want me to go with you? I can go. I’ll get ready right now.”
“No, no. I’ll call you when I know more.”
“I love you, Dad. Please be careful.”
Dad didn’t want Mom to go to the funeral in the first place and here she was trying to get my sisters and I, or at least one of us, to ride to North Carolina with her. This was before it had gotten really bad with Mom and my sisters and I were still really close to her. I was angry at Dad for being selfish. After all, they had just gotten divorced. It had only been a little over a year since they broke the news to us. How could Mom just stop loving Pop as a father like she truly did in such a short amount of time or ever for that matter? As I look back now, I see the silliness of my immaturity and naiveté. Dad knew Mom and her selfishness and what she would bring to the situation.
We followed Dad’s wishes and rode down to North Carolina with him and his new girlfriend, a freakishly devout and disciplined Christian, Kathi. None of us liked her or were comfortable around her. You could see her judgment of us in her eyes. I'm sure it was hard for her to love us. We resented the fact that she was even involved in such a private family matter, and that we had to spend 5 hours in the car with her when Mom had to travel by herself. Mom had a boyfriend too, Dick. I remember one time when I was sick; he came over and brought The Graduate for all of us to watch. He had the most obnoxious laugh to ever be heard, and there I was dying of strep throat on my mom’s couch and this guy with the awful laugh invaded my territory. Anyway, Dad didn’t want Dick at the funeral either, understandably. So Mom was left to travel by her lonesome, or so we thought.
Funerals truly baffle me. I wonder how it is that you are supposed to see all these people, some you know very well and some you don’t know at all, and soothe them through the loss of one of your closest relatives. I don’t know how my grandmother did it. We, all the grandchildren, were seated on the couch most of the time just crying and surely looking desolate. It was the first funeral I’d ever been too and I was 18. I guess some might say I’m lucky.
The wake was at GG's, my grandmother’s, home. After being there for a while I noticed my mother was acting strange. Her eyes were glazed and she had a hard time keeping them open. She slurred her speech. We had only been there an hour when she came to me telling me she couldn’t be there any longer. I told her that I knew something was wrong and she shouldn’t be driving. She told me that I should leave with her if I didn't want her driving. I couldn’t believe she would be selfish enough to ask me to leave my grandfather’s wake and my dad because of her selfishness. I said no. I followed her out the door and begged her not to drive. She did not listen to me. I watched her drive away into the darkness.
Hours later, everyone had left and it was just the family. I had not been able to get a hold of Mom since she left. I left with my Aunt Karen to spend the night at her house. She has always been really easy to talk to. Even though we don’t see each other that often, maybe twice a year, I always feel like we pick up right where we left off. I talked to her about Mom on the way home and told her about Mom’s downward spiral since the divorce. Awhile after arriving at my Aunt’s, she came in to the room where I was staying. She explained to me that my mom had totaled the car she was driving, which happened to be her boyfriend Dick’s. She was okay, of course, and was at the hospital with Dick. With who? Yes, she had brought Dick with her against my dad’s wishes.
She had accomplished what I think my dad feared- making the loss of our beloved Pop about her. Instead of being focused on my dad, my family and the life and love my grandfather had so willingly given to me I was worried that Mom had been killed in a car accident.
She totalled another car this past summer. Her Mercedes convertible that she had wanted so desperately was crushed when she plowed into the side of a blazer and flipped it. I remember being in high school when she found a picture of her dream car and had it hanging on the fridge for months. She finally got it partially as a gift from Papa and partially paid for by my dad. When it was declared totaled it didn't seem to effect her at all.
Pop died during finals week of my first semester in college. I ended up failing my first college class that semester. Go figure.
I was in my extra-long twin sized bed in my dorm room sitting on sheets of cloud covered blue, that I’m sure had only been washed once in the four months I had been sleeping on them, when I got a phone call from Dad.
“I’m driving to North Carolina. Pop’s been in a car accident and it’s not looking good. . .” he rambled off on the verge of tears.
“Do you want me to go with you? I can go. I’ll get ready right now.”
“No, no. I’ll call you when I know more.”
“I love you, Dad. Please be careful.”
Dad didn’t want Mom to go to the funeral in the first place and here she was trying to get my sisters and I, or at least one of us, to ride to North Carolina with her. This was before it had gotten really bad with Mom and my sisters and I were still really close to her. I was angry at Dad for being selfish. After all, they had just gotten divorced. It had only been a little over a year since they broke the news to us. How could Mom just stop loving Pop as a father like she truly did in such a short amount of time or ever for that matter? As I look back now, I see the silliness of my immaturity and naiveté. Dad knew Mom and her selfishness and what she would bring to the situation.
We followed Dad’s wishes and rode down to North Carolina with him and his new girlfriend, a freakishly devout and disciplined Christian, Kathi. None of us liked her or were comfortable around her. You could see her judgment of us in her eyes. I'm sure it was hard for her to love us. We resented the fact that she was even involved in such a private family matter, and that we had to spend 5 hours in the car with her when Mom had to travel by herself. Mom had a boyfriend too, Dick. I remember one time when I was sick; he came over and brought The Graduate for all of us to watch. He had the most obnoxious laugh to ever be heard, and there I was dying of strep throat on my mom’s couch and this guy with the awful laugh invaded my territory. Anyway, Dad didn’t want Dick at the funeral either, understandably. So Mom was left to travel by her lonesome, or so we thought.
Funerals truly baffle me. I wonder how it is that you are supposed to see all these people, some you know very well and some you don’t know at all, and soothe them through the loss of one of your closest relatives. I don’t know how my grandmother did it. We, all the grandchildren, were seated on the couch most of the time just crying and surely looking desolate. It was the first funeral I’d ever been too and I was 18. I guess some might say I’m lucky.
The wake was at GG's, my grandmother’s, home. After being there for a while I noticed my mother was acting strange. Her eyes were glazed and she had a hard time keeping them open. She slurred her speech. We had only been there an hour when she came to me telling me she couldn’t be there any longer. I told her that I knew something was wrong and she shouldn’t be driving. She told me that I should leave with her if I didn't want her driving. I couldn’t believe she would be selfish enough to ask me to leave my grandfather’s wake and my dad because of her selfishness. I said no. I followed her out the door and begged her not to drive. She did not listen to me. I watched her drive away into the darkness.
Hours later, everyone had left and it was just the family. I had not been able to get a hold of Mom since she left. I left with my Aunt Karen to spend the night at her house. She has always been really easy to talk to. Even though we don’t see each other that often, maybe twice a year, I always feel like we pick up right where we left off. I talked to her about Mom on the way home and told her about Mom’s downward spiral since the divorce. Awhile after arriving at my Aunt’s, she came in to the room where I was staying. She explained to me that my mom had totaled the car she was driving, which happened to be her boyfriend Dick’s. She was okay, of course, and was at the hospital with Dick. With who? Yes, she had brought Dick with her against my dad’s wishes.
She had accomplished what I think my dad feared- making the loss of our beloved Pop about her. Instead of being focused on my dad, my family and the life and love my grandfather had so willingly given to me I was worried that Mom had been killed in a car accident.
She totalled another car this past summer. Her Mercedes convertible that she had wanted so desperately was crushed when she plowed into the side of a blazer and flipped it. I remember being in high school when she found a picture of her dream car and had it hanging on the fridge for months. She finally got it partially as a gift from Papa and partially paid for by my dad. When it was declared totaled it didn't seem to effect her at all.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Another Tooth. . .
On Saturday I got a text from Mom that read:
Had a rough week, on tues nite a person driving an SUV ran a red light and smashed n to my car. I had pretty hard blow to my head and it knocked out my bottom middle tooth, decent size cut on my left knee. Then if that weren't bad enough they ran! Didn't stop! Some lady saw it and followed so she got the license plate # still waiting for police report.
I knew instantly she was lying. She's lost another tooth and needed some reason for it other than crystal meth. My sister texted her back and asked her what car she was driving (because she pawned her Audi) and she said my car. My sister said your Audi? And she said yeah, what else would I be driving.
I get more angry at her when she lies to us than about anything else. Maybe it's because that is what our relationship has turned into- a big lie.
It's been so hard to keep on top of this because it's just hard to think about her in general. I get so sad. It's so sad to see what she's become. I have felt for awhile now like my mom is dead and she doesn't care that I feel that way because she's enveloped in addiction.
Had a rough week, on tues nite a person driving an SUV ran a red light and smashed n to my car. I had pretty hard blow to my head and it knocked out my bottom middle tooth, decent size cut on my left knee. Then if that weren't bad enough they ran! Didn't stop! Some lady saw it and followed so she got the license plate # still waiting for police report.
I knew instantly she was lying. She's lost another tooth and needed some reason for it other than crystal meth. My sister texted her back and asked her what car she was driving (because she pawned her Audi) and she said my car. My sister said your Audi? And she said yeah, what else would I be driving.
I get more angry at her when she lies to us than about anything else. Maybe it's because that is what our relationship has turned into- a big lie.
It's been so hard to keep on top of this because it's just hard to think about her in general. I get so sad. It's so sad to see what she's become. I have felt for awhile now like my mom is dead and she doesn't care that I feel that way because she's enveloped in addiction.
Guilty
My sisters and I went to my mom's court date. It was nerve racking. Right when we walked in the doors we saw my mom going through security. I just froze and turned to look at my sister Lauren. "What do we do?" She shrugged. We waited, hearts pounding furiously, until she got through. We went through security and stopped in the lobby fearing we would run into her. Keep in mind she has no idea we even know she's gotten into this situation. Eventually we climbed the stairs to courtroom 3. I was thinking the whole time how ridiculous it was that I was scared of seeing my own mother. I just couldn't believe we were there about to see her on trial.
We made it into the court room without seeing her. We sat in the back row of the room. Shortly after we sat down we saw her come in the room. She saw us and kept walking, not even glancing our way. She sat about 3 rows ahead of us and started doing something in her lap. I saw her, out of the corner of my eye, look casually over her shoulder a few times making sure it was us she had really seen, I assume. She had her hair in that high ponytail she's been wearing her hair in lately, it sat literally right on top of her head. She had on a light pink shirt. After about 10 minutes she got up and left the room. She was ninth on the docket and we had no way of knowing what case they were on. We all wondered where she had gone and hoped she hadn't left because of us. We heard a case about a marine who stole MRE's and tried to sell them at some gun shop he owned in rural KY. He had to go to trial.
What seemed like an eternity went by and finally she came back in with her attorney, who none of us recognized. Her attorney showed her to a seat near the front and she sat with her shoulders hunched over; you could tell she was crying. It was one of the saddest things I have ever seen. I wanted to run over and hug her and tell her I loved her and that everything would be OK. But I couldn't. It was heartbreaking. They called her name and it was her turn. We quickly learned that she had plead guilty, had her charges lessened, and was sentenced to 2 years probation with supervision and mandatory substance abuse counseling. We were disappointed, but along with probation comes drug testing and if she violates her probation it's a mandatory 180 days in jail. I think the crap will hit the fan sooner or later.
We made it into the court room without seeing her. We sat in the back row of the room. Shortly after we sat down we saw her come in the room. She saw us and kept walking, not even glancing our way. She sat about 3 rows ahead of us and started doing something in her lap. I saw her, out of the corner of my eye, look casually over her shoulder a few times making sure it was us she had really seen, I assume. She had her hair in that high ponytail she's been wearing her hair in lately, it sat literally right on top of her head. She had on a light pink shirt. After about 10 minutes she got up and left the room. She was ninth on the docket and we had no way of knowing what case they were on. We all wondered where she had gone and hoped she hadn't left because of us. We heard a case about a marine who stole MRE's and tried to sell them at some gun shop he owned in rural KY. He had to go to trial.
What seemed like an eternity went by and finally she came back in with her attorney, who none of us recognized. Her attorney showed her to a seat near the front and she sat with her shoulders hunched over; you could tell she was crying. It was one of the saddest things I have ever seen. I wanted to run over and hug her and tell her I loved her and that everything would be OK. But I couldn't. It was heartbreaking. They called her name and it was her turn. We quickly learned that she had plead guilty, had her charges lessened, and was sentenced to 2 years probation with supervision and mandatory substance abuse counseling. We were disappointed, but along with probation comes drug testing and if she violates her probation it's a mandatory 180 days in jail. I think the crap will hit the fan sooner or later.
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