Saturday all three of us daughters got an email from Mom that simply said, I love you. 

Today the three of us got a text saying, I sold the house. She sold the house that she'd been saying she was going to sell for over two years now. Wow, now she can buy all the crack in the world! Haha- bad joke.

My littlest sister texted her back- DOn't care. Quit contacting us until ur off that sh#t. I'm tired of having to clean up the emotional mess u make out of L and K. 

Whoa, she's a badass. She didn't get a response. 

I spoke with my grandpa tonight about Mom selling the house. He was surprised it sold so quickly but I wasn't. He read me an email she sent him a week or so ago. It said something like this:

I have been in an outpatient recovery program for a month now and realize that I need to go to an Inpatient program for a longer period of time. With the help of my counselor I am looking for a place to go. I need to go somewhere loving not anywhere hospital like. And not Hazeldon. [She also asked if he would pay the copay for the outpatient stuff and described how it was covered under insurance, etc.] I need to go now but I need to discuss some other things with you about my teeth and stuff.

He replied saying something like he was glad she was realizing this stuff. He also told her he knew about her accident a couple weeks ago.

On a weekend night she was out at 4 in the morning and hit a fire hydrant in front of someone's house in the neighborhood across the street from the one she lives in. She left the scene of the accident and went home. The people who lived in the house the fire hydrant was in front of called the police. I guess Mom had ruptured her oil tank and the cops followed the oil trail back to her house which was not too far away. She came to the door with something covering her mouth and said she had something done to her teeth or something and denied hitting the fire hydrant. That's all we know about that incident. 

Mom's hearing is this Friday. If anybody out there is reading, please pray for my mom to have to answer for her actions. Please pray that she goes to jail and has an awakening. 

Close Encounters

I just realized that I have almost all the communication that my mom and I have had since April on my phone because it's all been through texting. . . except this one:

On Tuesday I was on my way to meet my sisters at the gym and went into the locker room to change my shirt. I was running about 30 minutes late b/c I was on the phone with this girl I know as an acquaintance and she wanted to know how to get more involved at church. She's single (I'm not), she's got a very busy schedule (I don't), and she really good friends with a girl who's SuperChristian, you know the ones- they never do anything wrong, (I'm not down with these types).  Anyway- I was trying to help her out and becoming more and more late. Sitting there in my car I saw Jimmy aka Most Idiotic Boyfriend of Mom's Ever sitting on a bench outside the gym and thought, "Oh, crap." Mom teaches tonight and there's a good chance she'll be walking out that door at any moment. He was obviously waiting for her. Eff.

I got off the phone fearing that I sounded uninterested in what acquaintance girl had to say and walked to the door. I said hello to Jimmy and tried to act like I was in a hurry. He said something to me but I can't remember what it was because it was unimportant. I checked in and went to the locker room to change my shirt- I had come straight from teaching dance. As I'm pulling my shirt up I see my mom. She is so close. Human contact unavoidable. I feel surprisingly calm. 

"Hi, Mom."

Look of shock on her face, head shake, "hi, [insert pet name here- can't remember which one she used]."

She walked toward me and held out her arms as I pulled my shirt of all the way off and stood there in my leotard.

"Can I have a hug," she didn't think I was going to hug her because it was taking me so long to take my shirt off. 

"Yeah," we hugged. She smelled like she always does: covered in perfume and drugs. Musty.

"It is really good to see you," she says.

"You too." She walks away and then pokes her head back around the corner and says it again, "It was really good to see you." Then she's gone. 

After about 10 minutes of sitting there in shock and hashing out the why's and what's and how's with my sisters one says, "Maybe that wasn't for you. Maybe it was for her." I felt really self-centered in that moment. All I could think about was that I should have said, "no- you can't have a hug." Or I should've gotten a better look at her teeth or body. But maybe it just happened and that's all it is. 

Text to Avoid Actual Human Contact

This is the text my sister got from Mom on her birthday about a month ago:

Don't know what to say, but I could not not tell you I loved you today. You're 21, I can't believe it. About this time 21 years ago I was headed to the hospital, in just 4 hours at 4:17pm my sweet 10lb 12oz baby girl was born. I loved you sooo much! Don't know if you know but I'm in a recovery program 5 days a week from 10:30-12:30. Doin good, passed 3 drug screenings and might get to go 4 days a week soon. Jimmy has been so supportive, I've put him through some shit but he still loves me. No one has ever loved me like he does. Heard you're doing great in school. Well that's all.

Sickening Disbelief

It is September 12, 2008. Where has the year gone? My sisters and I spent the day together working out, eating, leg waxing, eating. . . because of my new job we get to do this every Friday (minus the waxing). My littlest sister had to go to work so the other one and I went to a movie. We saw The Women- it was amazing. Made me thankful for all the wonderful women in my life. 

Right before we went into the movie. The littlest sister called telling us she had seen one of Mom's neighbors at work who told her Mom put her house up for sale. We called Papa and he said he already knew- my great-grandmother had driven by (which I'm sure she does often- if not daily) and seen the sign in her yard. I grabbed my phone to check for the listing on the internet and sure enough, there it was. Guess who the listing agent is? Yep, it's Jimmy, her current bf. It looked surprisingly shabby from the outside in the pictures. What has happened to that place I grew up in? What has happened inside those walls to change it so much? 

When we got out of the movie I wanted to see if Papa intended to buy the house- he had mentioned it before. He didn't give a clear answer saying, "We'll see what happens." Then I asked if he was still giving her money and he danced around the question by answering, "Well we pay for all the house stuff like property taxes and insurance so that the house doesn't get sold out from underneath her." I asked him if he paid her utility bills and he says, "Well we pay for everything for the house. You know like electric and stuff like that." 

I felt sick to my stomach. I just couldn't believe it. And so I tell him that I think it's a bad idea to continue this. He says, "Well (yes, every sentence began with 'Well') it's not that much money when you think about it." Aaaaaaaaaahhh!!! I wanted to scream! It's not the amount of money- it's the message you're sending!!!!! HELLO!!!! 

Ummmm, yes daughter, you go ahead and do whatever you like with your life. I'll continue to pay your bills so that I don't have to feel guilty if you die of starvation or get shot turning tricks for drugs. 

And so I'm upset and this is what I'd like to say:

To my grandpa:

I am in a state of disbelief. I cannot believe you are still paying Mom's bills. Today I want to scream at you and have little pity for you. I cannot understand what it is like to be in your shoes. I must repeat this to myself again and again to make sure I remember why I don't hate you. You are so incredibly smart yet so incredibly stupid. I cannot understand what it is like to be you. I feel as though you've deceived me. I thought that we all agreed to detach. You would stop giving her money. Yes, paying her bills is giving her money. Right now it feels like it will never end. IT WILL NEVER END UNTIL SHE IS DEAD. STOP! What are you thinking? 

I do feel sorry for you now. What is the purpose of the tragedy in your life? What is it that an old man is still to learn in his life? I wonder, where is God now?

To Jimmy (King of the Idiot Boyfriends of my Mom):

She will not change for you. You are most certainly retarded if you think she will stop doing drugs if you just love her enough. And from conversations we've had, I'm truly not surprised. Look around my friend: there is only you. Only you. Where has everyone gone? Hmmmm. . . let's see. First Husband and Father of Children- gone. Extended Family- gone. Children- gone. Friends- gone. Only one personal relationship left, and it's you. Her Savior, apparently. Thank you oh Jimmy; kindest and fairest, most supporting and loving of all. Thank you for prolonging my mom's addiction.

To my mother:

You are sick. I will know that you are better when you realize the faults of your ways and come crawling to the three of us for forgiveness. For now I'm angry at you. I've never felt anger like this before and I'm determined to let it out on this page so I don't turn out like you. You are dead to me and if you died tomorrow I feel like I would have a pretty good handle on things. It is truly sad you didn't die in some tragic way earlier in life so that I would have only known you as the wonderful mother that you were for 18 years of my life. I hate what the world has done to you. 

As I think about the purpose of this story in my life I think about my two brilliant little sisters. Unbelievably beautiful and strong, witty and smart. We now have an unbreakable bond forged by the tears cried for the loss of our mother. No one will ever come close to duplicating the relationship we have. There is no love like it and never will there be. So thank you Mom, for giving us the sisterly relationship you always said you wanted us to have. The one you had wished for growing up with only a brother. The one you dreamed about when you gave birth to each one of us. If only you were a part of it. If only you could see what you wished for has come true.