It is September 12, 2008. Where has the year gone? My sisters and I spent the day together working out, eating, leg waxing, eating. . . because of my new job we get to do this every Friday (minus the waxing). My littlest sister had to go to work so the other one and I went to a movie. We saw The Women- it was amazing. Made me thankful for all the wonderful women in my life.
Right before we went into the movie. The littlest sister called telling us she had seen one of Mom's neighbors at work who told her Mom put her house up for sale. We called Papa and he said he already knew- my great-grandmother had driven by (which I'm sure she does often- if not daily) and seen the sign in her yard. I grabbed my phone to check for the listing on the internet and sure enough, there it was. Guess who the listing agent is? Yep, it's Jimmy, her current bf. It looked surprisingly shabby from the outside in the pictures. What has happened to that place I grew up in? What has happened inside those walls to change it so much?
When we got out of the movie I wanted to see if Papa intended to buy the house- he had mentioned it before. He didn't give a clear answer saying, "We'll see what happens." Then I asked if he was still giving her money and he danced around the question by answering, "Well we pay for all the house stuff like property taxes and insurance so that the house doesn't get sold out from underneath her." I asked him if he paid her utility bills and he says, "Well we pay for everything for the house. You know like electric and stuff like that."
I felt sick to my stomach. I just couldn't believe it. And so I tell him that I think it's a bad idea to continue this. He says, "Well (yes, every sentence began with 'Well') it's not that much money when you think about it." Aaaaaaaaaahhh!!! I wanted to scream! It's not the amount of money- it's the message you're sending!!!!! HELLO!!!!
Ummmm, yes daughter, you go ahead and do whatever you like with your life. I'll continue to pay your bills so that I don't have to feel guilty if you die of starvation or get shot turning tricks for drugs.
And so I'm upset and this is what I'd like to say:
I am in a state of disbelief. I cannot believe you are still paying Mom's bills. Today I want to scream at you and have little pity for you. I cannot understand what it is like to be in your shoes. I must repeat this to myself again and again to make sure I remember why I don't hate you. You are so incredibly smart yet so incredibly stupid. I cannot understand what it is like to be you. I feel as though you've deceived me. I thought that we all agreed to detach. You would stop giving her money. Yes, paying her bills is giving her money. Right now it feels like it will never end. IT WILL NEVER END UNTIL SHE IS DEAD. STOP! What are you thinking?
I do feel sorry for you now. What is the purpose of the tragedy in your life? What is it that an old man is still to learn in his life? I wonder, where is God now?
To Jimmy (King of the Idiot Boyfriends of my Mom):
She will not change for you. You are most certainly retarded if you think she will stop doing drugs if you just love her enough. And from conversations we've had, I'm truly not surprised. Look around my friend: there is only you. Only you. Where has everyone gone? Hmmmm. . . let's see. First Husband and Father of Children- gone. Extended Family- gone. Children- gone. Friends- gone. Only one personal relationship left, and it's you. Her Savior, apparently. Thank you oh Jimmy; kindest and fairest, most supporting and loving of all. Thank you for prolonging my mom's addiction.
To my mother:
You are sick. I will know that you are better when you realize the faults of your ways and come crawling to the three of us for forgiveness. For now I'm angry at you. I've never felt anger like this before and I'm determined to let it out on this page so I don't turn out like you. You are dead to me and if you died tomorrow I feel like I would have a pretty good handle on things. It is truly sad you didn't die in some tragic way earlier in life so that I would have only known you as the wonderful mother that you were for 18 years of my life. I hate what the world has done to you.
As I think about the purpose of this story in my life I think about my two brilliant little sisters. Unbelievably beautiful and strong, witty and smart. We now have an unbreakable bond forged by the tears cried for the loss of our mother. No one will ever come close to duplicating the relationship we have. There is no love like it and never will there be. So thank you Mom, for giving us the sisterly relationship you always said you wanted us to have. The one you had wished for growing up with only a brother. The one you dreamed about when you gave birth to each one of us. If only you were a part of it. If only you could see what you wished for has come true.
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