I am so mad right now I just want to break something. We found out that my mom's ex, who is a CPA and lawyer, got her a lawyer for her hearing today. Supposedly he's one of the best in the state. My sisters and I couldn't have been more pissed at him. WHY! on earth would you bail her out like that?!?!?! Idiot. I just don't get it.

So, my mom found herself a lawyer and earned herself another couple months of freedom. Her lawyer suggested she go to a 30 day treatment facility and have her hearing pushed back to September 26th. However, going to treatment is not mandatory. If she doesn't go, she will go to jail at the time of her next hearing. If she does go I'm assuming she will not go to jail. So, it's 50/50. Mom needs a helluva lot more than 30 days in rehab. That's bunk. But, at least now we know she either goes for 30 days or she goes to jail. I wonder what she'll decide to do. Papa thinks she will put it off until the last moment if she goes. I can't imagine her actually going. What would she do without the drugs. I don't know if she can figure out how to work it in her head.

If I could talk to her right now this is what I would say:

Looks like you got yourself another couple months. What are you gonna do? Are you gonna go do the 30 days in rehab or just wait to be thrown in jail? I heard about your reply to Papa's email. It's always about you isn't it? "They don't know what I've been through the past four years." Try seven years, Mom. Yeah, it's been that long. And you don't remember b/c you're a crackhead. Must be nice to be able to go through life without a job, a big nice house that's paid off, and a Mercedes Benz convertible that you totaled without flinching. It must be nice to just say, "Well, I will talk to them if they call me but the last time they wanted to talk they wanted to confront me and I can't handle that," to excuse not talking to your daughters. Wow, you're good.

Did you know your first grandchild is going to be 6 months old on Monday? You haven't seen him since when? March? You're pathetic. You always told me you didn't want to end up being a mom like Meme and now look at you, you're worse. I understand that addiction is a disease but your selfishness started it.

I then I kick her in the shin. I thought we might need some comic relief after that one.

Another Ride. . .

. . . on the roller coaster please. Mom didn't have an attorney in court today. When you violate your probation I guess you forgo your right to a court appointed attorney. The judge told her to get an attorney and her hearing was rescheduled for next Friday. So we have to wait another week to find out what will happen.

Papa also said that she has another drug test on Tuesday. He's says it will be best if she tests positive again so she can't go in and say, "Look, I just tested negative for drugs on Tuesday." He says the best possible scenario is that she goes to jail for a couple weeks then he will talk to the judge and try to get her sentence changed to spend the rest of her time in rehab.

Another week of waiting and wondering and dreading and thinking too much. . . oh boy, how fun.

I Am

Today I'm thinking about how my mom ended up where she is. I have a big decision to make and about 24 hours to make the decision in. I wonder- what path did she choose that led her here? How do I make my life different? How do I make sure I live, and I mean LIVE, my life with no regrets. I know I've gotten one thing right by not getting married b/c I was knocked up like she did. (Not to devalue my parents marriage.) I'm in deep serious love with my husband and that's one thing I know for sure. 

Decisions like this suck. Why doesn't anyone tell you that being a grownup is not all it's cracked up to be. I hate money, and if it didn't exist I would know the answer to my dilemma now. I wish I never wanted to buy nice things or have "own a pair of Manolo's" on my life's to do list. I mean it's just stuff. But we're all controlled by it.  "Look at so-and-so's house; it's so small. Look at so-and-so's clothes; they're cheap. Look at so-and-so's vacation; they must be in debt up to their eyeballs." I will not live like this anymore. I refuse to judge myself by the standards of the world. 

I'll tell you what else sucks- not having your mom to talk to about these kind of decisions. My mom always knew just what to say to make me feel like I would know what to do b/c I have good intuition. She made me believe in myself like no one else ever will. She never made me feel like she knew best. She always wanted me to have a happy happy life because she didn't. She searched and searched for it and never found it. Instead she found her drug addiction. And I lost her. And with her, went a little part of me. 

I think a lot about how there should be this age limit for addiction, you know? Like once you reach 40 everyone can say, "Well she's made it 40 years, so she should be good to go for the rest of it." I wonder if my mom ever thought about being a drug addict when she was 25, because I have. In 20 years that's me. When she was my age and thought, "Where will I be and what will I be doing when I'm 45?" I bet she didn't think, "I'll be addicted to hard core drugs that I started doing because I felt overweight." 

The pressure of the world is tremendous. I will not fall under it's pressure. I want to be set apart. I pray that one day my mom will stand up again and see me, her daughter. She'll tell me she's sorry for not being there when I needed her most. But most of all she'll say she's sorry for making me think I've forgotten who I am. We'll move forward and have happy happy lives together. 

Probation Revocation

Mom's hearing is July 18th at 10A.M. I saw her walk out of the gym yesterday. I'm wondering what she's thinking- like is her mind so foggy that she has no idea she might go to jail for 6 months in a couple weeks?