I Am

Today I'm thinking about how my mom ended up where she is. I have a big decision to make and about 24 hours to make the decision in. I wonder- what path did she choose that led her here? How do I make my life different? How do I make sure I live, and I mean LIVE, my life with no regrets. I know I've gotten one thing right by not getting married b/c I was knocked up like she did. (Not to devalue my parents marriage.) I'm in deep serious love with my husband and that's one thing I know for sure. 

Decisions like this suck. Why doesn't anyone tell you that being a grownup is not all it's cracked up to be. I hate money, and if it didn't exist I would know the answer to my dilemma now. I wish I never wanted to buy nice things or have "own a pair of Manolo's" on my life's to do list. I mean it's just stuff. But we're all controlled by it.  "Look at so-and-so's house; it's so small. Look at so-and-so's clothes; they're cheap. Look at so-and-so's vacation; they must be in debt up to their eyeballs." I will not live like this anymore. I refuse to judge myself by the standards of the world. 

I'll tell you what else sucks- not having your mom to talk to about these kind of decisions. My mom always knew just what to say to make me feel like I would know what to do b/c I have good intuition. She made me believe in myself like no one else ever will. She never made me feel like she knew best. She always wanted me to have a happy happy life because she didn't. She searched and searched for it and never found it. Instead she found her drug addiction. And I lost her. And with her, went a little part of me. 

I think a lot about how there should be this age limit for addiction, you know? Like once you reach 40 everyone can say, "Well she's made it 40 years, so she should be good to go for the rest of it." I wonder if my mom ever thought about being a drug addict when she was 25, because I have. In 20 years that's me. When she was my age and thought, "Where will I be and what will I be doing when I'm 45?" I bet she didn't think, "I'll be addicted to hard core drugs that I started doing because I felt overweight." 

The pressure of the world is tremendous. I will not fall under it's pressure. I want to be set apart. I pray that one day my mom will stand up again and see me, her daughter. She'll tell me she's sorry for not being there when I needed her most. But most of all she'll say she's sorry for making me think I've forgotten who I am. We'll move forward and have happy happy lives together.